Fractal
by the midnight rhapsody
Summary: It's more like he just doesn't belong anywhere.  Under the Paopu tree his existence comes into question and once again he can't understand.  You're not crazy if it's true.  Just because they don't see doesn't mean it's not true. Roxas/Kairi. AU?


I'd like to say a lot of things about this piece, but none of them translate into words. It's kind of weird, I guess. I don't know how to explain my thought process without just telling the story so I'll just let it go with a warning that there's implied slash in here (of the Roxas/Axel variety).

There has been some confusion with the title, so I will briefly explain: when this was just a little seed in my head, it looked like a fractal. Since I think in pictures exclusively, it seemed like a perfect title. I didn't realize that was just me being crazy. I'm not going to change it, but maybe now that you know it's just abstract insanity, nobody will be confused.

I don't own Kingdom Hearts. Fangirls everywhere rejoice.

* * *

It's funny how she lights a fire where you stand and there's nowhere to go but closer. She drags you with her eyes with her smile with promises of _Sora's gone and I'm okay with it but she's not and she doesn't _love _me._

_You're Roxas, aren't you?_

_I'm Roxas._

_I remember you_

_no you don't_

_from before when he was still asleep and we spoke through his heart._

_How do you know I'm Roxas – _

_Because I can feel Sora just like you – _

It's funny how you can replicate the way Sora used to hold her. You can't kiss her but only because she doesn't want _me, she doesn't want _you to think she's using you. She's never said that but you know how it works. Five years and she couldn't possibly be over him and neither are you but maybe it's you. Maybe you're the one who can't move on. Axel would have had a field day but he's gone and she knew him but you can't ask.

_Did he ever say he loved me did _you _hear him say anything maybe I _don't want to know.

It's funny how she lights a fire where you stand and you think about Axel and you're glad she's not him. He was the personification of disorder and she is the personification of _I _love _her. _You can't decide if you want her or you want to have sex with her or if hearts make sex impossible. Kairi _love_ makes _me _you _weak_ confused and no heart meant you could have sex then.

Maybe not now.

"Roxas," she says. "Please look at me."

You really can't because Riku is here. Riku is here and watching and you want to steal his best friend's heart. Already stole it. He wants to steal Kairi and disappear into the black where everything makes sense. But it would steal her heart and Naminé is a poor, ugly substitute. No heart. You could have sex with Naminé.

You don't want to.

"I…" You can't speak to her either. Five years and you can't even say anything. She told you she loves you in front of the one you _hate _stole from and _I can't believe _you _forgave me Riku _you can't even say anything.

"Do you still love me?"

"Yes." Maybe. "I'm embarrassed to admit it."

You've learned what emotions are.

_Axel what are emotions?_

_Where do you come up with these questions it's not like it matters –_

_It does._

_Emotions are stupid Roxas that's what they are. They make us stop thinking we can't be rational they_

_Demyx says they make us real._

_What does he know?_

_He knows a lot._

_No he doesn't Roxas you have to understand it doesn't matter. We're looking for our hearts but we'll never find them it doesn't matter qed._

_I bet you don't even know. I bet you never even felt them. I used to think you knew everything but lately I've noticed you just say things to say them like you told Demyx he was growing a beard_

_I was just messing with him._

_So how do I know you're not just messing with me? You can't even tell me what emotions are._

_I already told you they're stupid._

He was right. Emotions make you stop thinking you can't be _real _serious. You have _I can't believe I have _a heart now and Kairi makes you wish you didn't. You want to _I already _love her but if this is love you felt it already even before you were with her.

It's funny how she sets a fire where you stand and you're thinking about Axel and parallels and Sora/Kairi/Roxas/Axel/wheredoesRikufitin/whyisNaminéonyourmind and you forgot to breathe because she said she loves you.

Five years and you know what emotions are. This is embarrassment and other males don't like to admit it but you've never had a feeling like this before except maybe. Acknowledgment is the first step to recovery Riku's instructor said that after Sora was gone.

You want to recover.

"What's your problem today," Riku asks. His voice ghosts over you like promises. You wish he could disappear too because you looked at her and now you can't stop looking.

"I'm embarrassed," you say again. "I don't want to be stupid, but feelings make it so you can't think."

He laughs. "You're so weird sometimes. Don't be that way, Sora."

"Who's Sora?"

Kairi Kairi, poor Kairi. She can't remember him because one year and he was erased and his coping mechanism suddenly made no sense and they thought they lost you, not Sora. It's not Kairi. It's you. You can't move on because you're not Sora and you're _I can't believe they can't remember I'm not _real.

"I…" His eyes are glazed and you're afraid. You can hardly hold it in because acknowledgment is the first step to recovery but he saves you with his words. "Remember that game we used to play, with those key swords? Remember, Roxas was always Sora."

"Oh yeah!"

Heartless are a fairytale now. They can't remember. You try anyway. "Wasn't that…didn't…Riku, do you remember the Heartless? I love you, Kairi."

It comes out without cause like you're afraid to give her less attention. Her face is soft and little splotches on her cheeks now and Riku backs away. But he's still smiling like awkward or uncomfortable and you look at him because you want to know.

"Um…yeah, I do. Have you…not to be condescending or anything, but are you still taking your meds?"

How many months has it been?

"Yes, Mother. I brush my teeth twice a day too."

Kairi's laugh is unsure. Unstable. She's on summer break and you were on summer break when you met her through Sora's heart. Naminé must be around here somewhere because overlapping that true memory you remember _we were _sitting _on the clock tower _together_ and I fell _in_to the _quiet _darkness_ time in kindergarten.

"I'm just trying to be a good friend. Last time you were in the-"

"Stop, Riku." She's defending you. Why is she defending you. You stole Sora from her by accident but it was still thievery. "Roxas is fine. I would know."

She doesn't. She doesn't know. She thinks you're _I'm not _real.

You weren't ever in an institution. That's Naminé working on you from inside Kairi. Maybe she wants Sora back. Maybe she wants to hurt you again. That's Naminé working on everyone because you're not crazy. Those pills only make your brain stop. Axel said your brain should never stop.

_Who is Axel?_

_He's my best friend._

_I thought Riku was your best friend._

_Riku is…he's Sora's best friend._

_Ah. What's the distinction? Where does Sora end and you begin?_

_Sora never ends. He's gone, but he's always haunting us. All of us. I made a mistake and he made it better but it all went wrong anyway I'm not supposed to be here you believe me don't you please don't make me stay here._

Implants. You would never have sex with Naminé but maybe you should have sex with Kairi. It would make Sora and Naminé go away.

Go away go away

_Are you Roxas?_

_I'm Roxas._

You used to be Sora and now you're Roxas and they think you're crazy but that's the memories talking. You don't need it you don't need pills you're not _I'm definitely not _crazy.

"Whatever," Riku mutters. He smiles but you can't feel it so it's not true. "Anyway, I have to get home. My little brother asked me to help him in math tonight and he has to get to bed in a little while."

"Well…all right," Kairi says. "I'll call you tomorrow and we'll do something."

"Yep. See you guys." He waves and he looks at Kairi but not at you.

"Goodbye," you call with Kairi. You're a choir for a single moment, like _hallelujah _without the stupid Latin warbling.

Riku walks away from the tree. It used to be filled with Paopu fruit but now it's just a big tree with a convenient branch and the sun is going down. She watches him go and then turns to you. Smile. Beautiful smile it sets a fire where you stand against the tree she's pulling you with her eyes too. "I really missed you, Roxas. College is weird without you."

"You know I'm not smart enough to go," you say, laughing because it is funny. You got a heart and couldn't think.

"That's not true!" Her eyes her smile pulling. "You just have no confidence. I know you hate it when I use my major to make you uncomfortable, so I won't…well…anyway, all I mean is…I don't know what I mean. I just missed you. I was kind of afraid you'd…move on. That's why I had to know if you still love me."

"Aside from you…there's nobody." You feel bad for the ambiguous statement because it's not really true anymore. You feel this for her and you're embarrassed and acknowledgment is the first step to recovery wait a minute you already know this. "I could never move on."

This is the truth of it. You can never move on. She pulls Sora haunts Riku makes it a square or a parallelogram and Naminé made them think you're crazy. But she can't make you conform.

You watch her watching and make a decision. "We should have sex, Kairi."

Her laughter dies early and you didn't feel it so it wasn't true. "Stop it, you goof." She hesitates you don't like it but she hesitates. "I didn't want to say it in front of Riku, but…I know something's wrong. You never wanted to…you said we should wait until…please tell me what's going on, Roxas."

You love that she says your name so often.

_Are you Roxas?_

_I'm Roxas. I'm not Sora._

_Who is Sora?_

_Nobody._

"My memories are acting up," you tell her. Acknowledgment is the first step to recovery. "They're overlapping. I remember coming to the Islands, but I remember always being here. Do you remember when I came here? Do you remember knowing me? Do you remember the Organization? Axel?"

Her arms come around you and she shudders and _"Oh, Roxas."_

Then it's a shadow and yellow eyes and you nudge her away, behind you. They can't climb trees they can climb walls but not trees. You call your Keyblade _come on why can't you answer when I call _but nothing happens.

You brace yourself and it jumps and impact. You hit the tree hard but you're protecting your chest and Kairi is safe on the tree. There's a Paopu star above you and you should pay attention because it's reaching into your chest and black

_I'm sorry, Roxas. I'll fix this._

Dawn and a soft voice. Blood pressure cuff and a tiny cup of little white pills.


End file.
